struggle

I am struggling to find my focus tonight and so I’m afraid you will be subjected to my random ramblings (Feel free to abandon me here). Long days at work that translate into writing that doesn’t start until 9:30 are marked by a brain that is moving at a snail’s pace. It’s difficult to sift through the day in search of the moment that should be extracted and elaborated upon and shared. It’s difficult to push past that voice in my brain that is yelling (loudly) “For the love of all that is good in this world, woman, go to sleep!” And tonight is harder than most. But, I’m still here. I’m still honoring the discipline by putting words on the page. I will still get to a point where I click “Publish” even though I do not feel as though a single word of this piece, a piece that is essentially just me treading water, should be published. But I’ve made a commitment to write everyday and I intend to see that through. Regardless of where this goes, even if there is only one more sentence to be written, I made the time, I found the energy, I did the work. I never said that I would publish good writing everyday, only that I would in fact write. I never realized the kind of perseverance this endeavor would require of me…it really just sounded like a fun proposition at the outset…it sounded manageable. And I guess to some degree it has been, but these school nights have made things tougher than I anticipated.

So rather than belabor that point, I’m going to be done for tonight. It feels a little bit like cheating and I’ve made a list of ideas for tomorrow so that installment will not suffer as this one has. And I will leave you with one of my favorite Mary Oliver poems ever…the stillness that I seek is spoken of here. Always grateful for her words, her simplicity and her wisdom. As my words fail, enjoy hers.

(Day 17 — I’m counting it)