indecision

Indecision. That is my problem this evening. The simple task of selecting a topic and seeing it through has evolved into an exercise in stops and starts. I begin working with a topic and at first it feels like it is going well–I’m making progress and enjoying the work. But then, maybe two paragraphs in, I change my mind…decide, hmmm, maybe I’ll finish this one another day, but not tonight. I’ve literally started then saved three different blog beginnings before finally determining that my brain is too tired to see anything through and here we are. I am simply writing this sort of terrible blog about my indecision just to complete this day of writing.

But, in my defense, being a principal means making decisions, and not just a few, all day long, so I feel excused in my inability. A ridiculously long time ago, when my husband and I were first married, he would come home and say he made decisions all day and didn’t want to have to decide what we were eating for dinner or really anything. I thought that was ridiculous…incredulous…a pathetic excuse to get out of conversation and responsibility. Everyone makes decisions all day long. That’s a human thing and it wasn’t unique to him. I was far from sympathetic and even farther from empathetic. And then the universe stepped in. As I began this new work in this new position, I nearly immediately understood what he meant.

My brain is spent when I get home…all I really want to do is crash…to fall asleep on the sofa while watching terrible television. But these days, before I can do that, I have to write and before I can do that, I have to know what it is I will write about. And some days, getting to that point feels impossible.

Today is one of those days for sure. So, this is it. This is what I have to show for my writing today. I don’t love it and I’m far from happy with it. But as I have said before in this challenge on other difficult days, at least I didn’t quit. At least I made the time and space to write. At least I maintained the discipline. I’ll finish those other more substantive blogs on another day when my brain is fully cooperative and a bit more clear. I am certain of that. This project was never about perfect writing anyway. It was always about simply writing, and I have done that.

(Day 23…not sure this one should count, but here it is nonetheless!)